ridiculous contradiction

It's weird. i've left xanga for so long now and well, all the hype about having a new blog to blog in with privacy just died. Also, seeing how the privacy makes me feel a whole lot more anti social now that not many people actually knows about this blog... it's so annoying how i always want something i cant have and when i do somehow miraculously get it, i dont want it anymore :(

well.. another example is to how i compliant non stop about me myself and i being antisocial. but yet i keep on turning down all the gathering yumcha and going out invites. wtheck is wrong with me?! O_O .. i really am begining to feel weird in my own skin. sigh. it's like i really do have that thought and really want to put effor into doing things with passion and all.. but the moment i start or even think of starting all that hype and adrenaline rush just dies...

ahhh!!

i really want to laugh so much like i really mean it. dont get me wrong, i laugh as much as possible and it's really easy. But how many of those times does the smile i plaster on my face is actually real? all that crap about how "my eyes show my try smiles" or "i smile with my eyes" is just crap -_- cause i dont think i've actually been very happy these days. I think sadness grows with age :/

Speaking of age. I know, it's still kinda far but i literally have no plans for my 21st birthday :x at the rate that im going i'd prolly be spending it alone at home ... watching some sappy chinese drama/anime that will make me cry my eyes out and feel even more emotional -_-" ridiculous.

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Another 2 weeks (less actually) and it'll be the holidays already, and honestly... i dont know what am i going to do :( everyone's asking me if im gonna work or go on holiday or do something but im all like "ohh yeahh im just gonna rest first" bullshit. i have no plans on it thats why -_- whatever happened to me. when i was younger i always filld myself with things to do. definitely no school work but it's always going out or working freelancing or just doing more active things. heck! i even did sports. now all i do is sit home in front of the computer typing away on my blog grumbling about my life -_- it's is a big change isnt it.

And everytime i do this i think and tell myself i want to change, im going to change, i must change! and then you see me repeating a somewhat similar entry about me feeling lous about myself -_- what is wrong with me?! really ... bah!


Afater all this thoughts i've yet to even start on my work. i remember saying ONE day, one day to rest. and it's now the THIRD day or doing meaningless nothings -_- this is getting from worse to... much much worse? bah.